


words in my head, knives in my heart

by charjace



Series: love or destroy? is there a difference? [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Childhood Friends AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charjace/pseuds/charjace
Summary: I’m only humanAnd I bleed when I fall downI’m only humanAnd I crash and I break downYour words in my head, knives in my heartYou build me up and then I fall apart





	words in my head, knives in my heart

_Why had he thought that things would go his way for once? Why did he let himself fall into some kind of sense of being okay? Why did he have to wear his heart out on his sleeve to bare the heartache of everything that happens around him?_

It was always happened, from a young age, he would try his best at school but barely made friends outside of the two he had, and he was enjoying just having those friends but of course someone’s got to make a comment about it and make him feel like _shit_. His family is going _great_ but then his father ends up dying, his mother ends up drinking. He gets himself into college and Clary finds herself in art school, but then shit hits the fan when she goes missing and he’s pulled into a world he knows _nothing_ of but apparently his friends are a part of. Then there is the part when he _dies_ and is turned into a _monster_.

So of course, when he thought that things were finally at least going to look up the rug gets pulled from underneath him. Jace was out there, somewhere with Valentine and he was banned from the Institute for god knows how long all because he was a downworlder.

He found a place stay, it wasn’t much but it would do him because what he could do? He can’t go out in the sun, he can’t go to the Institute, going home isn’t an option nor is the Dumort, not at this moment.

The memory of the day Jace slipped through their fingertips keeps playing through his mind every time he finds himself in silence. Remembering the look upon Jace’s face was he made the choice to go with Valentine, the break in his voice as he told everyone to stay back. Simon wanted to tell him that he _does_ know that Jace isn’t at all like his father, that his father is just an asshole that is fucking with him but any words that tried to form just died on his tongue. It hurt watching as everyone else hurt, he hated it because he couldn’t do anything to make anyone feel better. Clary wouldn’t take his humour, he won’t even bother with trying that with Alec and he doesn’t want to try it with Isabelle. Nor, is he really able to _talk_ to them and it really is just a pain in his fucking ass and he just wants to do something but each thought he came up with showed a million restrictions and he hates it. He wants to help, he wants to do whatever he can to help but he can’t because there will always be _something_.

**

Honestly he couldn’t tell you how long he was on the dam boat, it’s hard to keep track of time when you’re training and being pulled around like a puppet and listening to the madness of his own father. He has to watch as others train to be _weapons_ just like him but unlike him, they weren’t experimented on and they’re just members of his father’s crusade. He has to deal with the fact that he has demon blood in his system; how _that’s_ the reason he’s made it to the title of fastest, strongest and fiercest Shadowhunter. Trying to figure how in Valentine’s madness, how injecting his son with the thing he believes to be so evil would be a good thing.

Jace knows plenty of downworlders who are able to control the urges that Valentine speaks of; voicing that seemed to be a mistake. “You’re thinking of Lucian Graymark, warlocks like Magnus Bane and even… Clarissa’s little vampire friend Simon? Or is he your little friend Jonathan? I saw the way you two were at Jade Wolf.”

He keeps his eyes trained on the soldiers below, and he honestly considers what would happen if he just decides to throw himself overboard. It’s a thought he has had a few times since he boarded the dam thing. “We’re friends, yes.”

“Is that all you are with that Downworlder,” The term spoken like poison on his father’s tongue.

He’s biting back a retort that he _knows_ won’t end up well for him; he just gives a small nod of his head. “Yes, we are just friends,” Jace replies, because well it’s true. They were just friends because they hadn’t found the time to actually talk about their kisses or admissions of love. Not with the whole wedding fiasco, or the Hodge situation or where he is now. Maybe it was fates way of telling him that _love **is** to destroy_.

Valentine simply gives a small nod of his head, as if that was what he wanted to hear out of the blond’s lips, “Good because no matter how good they try to be, Downworlders cannot control their demonic blood forever.”

“Then why put it in me if it’s that blood is so evil?” Jace questions, a barely there glare etched upon his features.

“Fire, to fight fire with fire,” Valentine states simply, eyes watching the soldiers below before he adds, “I wouldn’t jump if I were you.”

“What? Because I’m your ultimate weapon?” Jace asks, wondering how in the hell that the man in front of him knew that is what he was thinking of. He doesn’t get to ask that because a warlock is walking by and next thing he knows, the warlock is screaming as the wards around the boat sear his face making Jace wince.

It’s hard to figure out Valentine’s plan in its entirety because while the madman was being _open_ about it there always seemed to be something that told his mind that there was something that he was missing. Telling him that Valentine is leaving out something important; some big part of his plan that the man was just not telling him and it was eating away at his mind.

**

Maybe Valentine was right, maybe love was a dangerous thing to do because loving Alec almost killed him, his whole family, the ones he loves seemed to fall apart because Isabelle was sitting in the infirmary after the dam demon attack. The day’s events replaying themselves in his mind like those horror films Simon would coax him into watching. His trial with the Soul Sword, moulding into seeing Isabelle broken on the floor in Alec’s arms.

_“Is it true that you and Clary were involved in a romantic relationship before you found out that you were siblings?”_

_“No.”_

_“No? We’ve been lead to believe this is true?”_

_“You’re wrong. It’s just a rumour made from a moment.”_

_“A moment?”_

_“Yes, she tried to kiss me. I pulled away.”_

_Its a few moments before the guy spoke, “Now is that due to your relationship with the vampire Simon Lewis?”_

_He chokes on his words as he tries to utter the word_ no _but it doesn’t come out and the word “Yes” escapes his lips and he’s trying to catch his breath._

_“Was the relationship a romantic one?”_

_“What has this got to do with my trial?”_

_“Well he’s a downworlder and your father is trying rid the world of them, so wouldn’t you say that having a relationship with a downworlder would hinder your beliefs?”_

_“Yes,” the word barely making it past his lips._

_“Do you believe your father’s goal to be just?”_

_The words fade out as he’s being escorted through the Institute and Isabelle is on the floor looking defeated as Alec held her, he remembers as Simon moves past him to comfort Clary who was just_ staring _at nothing. So he just moved over to his siblings_.

The scenes repeating themselves over and over as he is lying down on his bed, a bed he never thought he’d be resting upon again. He couldn’t get comfy and he didn’t want to sleep because it’d just be full of nightmares, like the ones that run through his mind while he’s awake. He’s shaken from his thoughts when there is a knock upon the door.

As he sits himself up he sees Simon standing in the doorway, a light frown tugging at the corner of his lips as he looked into the room, as he looked at Jace. Jace could see the little pull he was doing at the sleeve of his shirt. “Can I come in?” Simon asks, his voice a little shy as he glances at the ground.

Jace gives a nod of his head, “Yeah. Is Clary okay?”

“She is, just trying to deal with losing her mother you know. How are you? I mean, you lost your mother too even if you didn’t know her, you still lost her before you could know her. Even if she maybe tried to kill you that one time, you two could have sorted it out, she was a good woman. And I heard what had happened with Alec and I saw Izzy af-,” Simon stops his mumbling when he hears a soft laughter coming from Jace’s lips. He tilts head a little, stopping himself just at the foot of Jace’s bed, as a confused expression spread across his features, “what’s so funny?”

“Nothing…nothing is funny,” Jace says with a light sigh of his lips and actually letting a smile spread across his lips. “I’ve just missed your rambling… we never got to ta-,”

“Simon, what are you still doing within the Institute? You were instructed to leave, not to consort with Jace,” Aldertree’s voice spoke from Jace’s doorway, making the vampire jump a little and turn to face the man.

“Right, I just wanted to make sure he was doing okay. I’m sorry, I’ll just leave then. Um…” He turns to look at Jace with a saddened look upon his features, “we’ll talk later I guess. See you later Jace.” And with that, Jace is left alone in his room once again, until Isabelle is knocking on his door telling him she’s worried about Alec and that maybe he should go talk to him.

So that is what he does, he tries to talk to Alec to tell him that it wasn’t his fault that a demon possessed him. That it wasn’t his fault that he will never get to know his mother, because it wasn’t. It was Valentine’s fault for letting the dam thing loose. But it doesn’t work and Alec leaves, and Jace can’t help but think it’s his fault. He can’t even talk his parabatai down from the spiral he must be facing, but then some part of him understands that. He can feel the guilt Alec feels bleeding through the bond they have, it makes him feel sick knowing that he can’t comfort him and pressure him.

There seems to be nothing that he can do right because he’s been demoted down to something a training Shadowhunter would do. Apparently saving someone’s life was the wrong thing to do, anad he just hates that this is his life now. How he couldn’t help but feel like that no matter what he would do, that Victor will still not budge and that he’s doing it just to play with him. To help _break_ him, but the thing is you can’t something that’s already broken. He’s been broken and put back together so many times it’s a permanent state of his. Aldertree does end up getting to Jace, practically forcing him out of the Institute, the place that’s supposed to be his home.

With a bag packed, he’s walking himself down the streets of New York, trying to figure out where he should go. Trying to figure out who would welcome him into their home, many thoughts going through his head but getting dismissed the second he thinks of them because what if he’s wrong? He must have been stuck in his head, because he heard a faint call of his name, but thought nothing of it until he heard it again, and the source was standing in front of him. He plasters on the biggest fakest smile he could for the woman who stood in front of him, “Oh hey Mrs Lewis.”

“Are you okay Jace? I haven’t seen you in a while; I was getting a little worried about you. How have you been?” Elaine asks a pure smile upon her lips, it makes Jace think of Simon and how the two share a similar smile and both smiles make him feel some kind of _safe_.

“I’ve been going through some stuff, college and all,” He’s trying for a mundane reason, even if he can hear how _false_ it sounds on his tongue. He tries to push that thought out of his mind because it’s a perfect excuse to have right? “But I’m doing okay, I am,” Jace wonders who he is trying to convince more about that, her or himself? He doesn’t know.

“That’s good to hear,” She tells him, but he can hear it in her voice that she doesn’t fully believe him, but that she is giving him the benefit of the doubt. “How are you and Simon? Lately when I’ve asked about you, he’s had this… sad look in his eyes. Have you guys had a fight?”

“We haven’t exactly had a fight… just been through something, I guess you could say.” The smile upon his lips is as weak as his lies, but he’s trying.

“I hope whatever it is, you two come out okay because he looks at you how he use to look at Clary when they were younger,” Elaine comments, making Jace’s face scrunch up in confusion and this caused a light laugh to fall from Elaine’s lips. “Like you hung the moon and stars, sweet. He looks at you like you hung the moon, just like you look at him like he hung the sun. It’s okay, don’t be afraid of it. Why don’t you come over for dinner one night that you’re not busy? Does that sound like a plan?”

Jace gives a small nod of his head, “Yes Mrs Lewis that sounds like a wonderful plan.”

“Good, I’ll keep you too that. Hopefully I’ll see you soon Jace,” She says before she’s making her way back down the path she was headed on, leaving Jace back on his own after he said his own goodbye to her.

**

Jace has found himself laying his head down in a bed at Magnus’ place and downing everything he feels with the burning taste of liquor as it goes down his throat. He finds himself not caring about what the Institute wants him to do because they wanted him _gone_ , so why should he do _their_ job. Often, these past few days he’s found himself drowning in the stuff because that way he doesn’t need to think of what has happened, doesn’t have to think that whenever he gets what he wants – it just slips past his fingertips just like sand, slowly but surely it will be gone from his hands only leaving him with the remains of memories to hold on tight too.  He walks into the Hunter Moon, it’s a suicide walk every time he steps a foot in that door and he knows it but he doesn’t care, gone so far past the point of caring if he lives or not.

When he walked in, he didn’t really expect to see a certain vampire there at all but he is and Jace moves to sit in the seat next to him. Ignoring the glare of Maia when he orders four shots of tequila, they’re for himself of course, Maia is quick to pour his drinks and hand them to him, and she’s off to serve another customer. “What are you doing here Si?”

“What are you doing _drinking?_ ” Simon replies, watching as Jace downs all four of the shots like they were nothing. A worried look spreading across Simon’s features as his eyes scanned over the blond. “I think we need to talk, about a lot of things. Let’s go get a table; it’s a little more private then at the bar. Unless you want to go outside and talk? We – what Jace?”

“You and your mother worry too much,” There was a tiny up turn of his lips as he looked at Simon. “I’m fine Simon.”

“You’re _drinking_ Jace, I remember you telling me that you don’t do that. Something is wrong, please,” A pleading tone to his voice as he looks at Jace, his face serious as he looks at him and it takes Jace’s mind a few moments to realise _why_ Simon was looking at him like that and it breaks his heart. So Jace stands up and walks over to one of the smaller booths, and waits for Simon to come sit next to him. When Simon does, he interlaces their fingers together under the table and it sends a light feeling of being safe through both of them, “I know you’re not good with… emotions and all that, but please… don’t do that to yourself. Please.”

Jace gives a small nod of his head, “Maybe we can finally talk about _us_. I mean, we’ve kissed like twice and I remember saying I love you.”

“If you want to date, we can do whatever you want. I mean, because like I really do like you, I love you. I remember saying that too, it’s –,” Simon’s words fall from his lips as his lips are being pressed against lips that are light against his, yet are pressing with urgency.

“I guess kissing you _does_ make you shut up,” Jace quips, a little smirk spread across his lips as he looks at Simon. He’s always wondered what kissing Simon when the other was rambling would result in, sometimes he thought that he would _talk_ right through the kiss and they’d end up laughing their asses off. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Me and Maia planned to watch a Blade Runner marathon that was going on, but…being me I got here a bit early,” Simon replies with a light shrug of his shoulder, offering a light smile before stepping out of the booth so he could get them something new to drink.

They ended up talking about the movies that they needed to watch since their world was pushed of its centre, or more like Simon had a list of movies he wanted to watch but hasn’t found the time to do so yet. Not that Jace minds watching the mundane movies that Simon likes, because there is always something he finds himself liking in them too. They talk until Maia’s shift finishes and Simon goes to offer for Jace to tag along but Jace dismisses it and lets them leave.

He leaves when Luke comes in, worried about Clary and he decides to jump in and help, because he just needed to do something and that seemed like a good distraction. It was, and meeting that angel it was a once in a lifetime experience – not every Shadowhunter could say that they’ve done that and it makes him feel… guilty because it was his father who was the reason for the tattered way the being looked, the reason why he meet the heavenly creature in the first place.

Jace ends up burying himself into trying to find out what exactly it was that was going on with Clary; how she drew that rune he has never seen before. He takes any distraction he gets, so the party for Max’s rune ceremony was welcomed in his books. But, of course fate seemed to have other plans, fate? It seems more like Valentine was the master of fate, pulling the strings of Jace’s fate and dangling something that he’d enjoy right in front of him only to pull it way and cut at his strings that are holding him up.

He remembers seeing Clary and Simon making out, he remembers seeing Maia and Simon making out and he remembers Maryse’s harsh words as they had stood in the bedroom he was using at Magnus’. How she blamed him for Alec’s interest in Magnus, how she thinks of him as poison to the Institute, to the family and how she should have just killed him those years ago when he was placed on her steps. He remembers it clearly, and it hurt inside so much that even when he found out that it had all been figments of his mind, it didn’t mend it. No, it just made him feel guilty for letting himself believe that was true. Yet, he didn’t let that show; he just put that mask he loves on as he does everything.

Of course Clary had to go and do something as stupid as making a blood contact, and of course she has to nearly die from it and of course Valentine had to set up another fucking trap for them. They can’t get a break, because the puppet master is pulling the strings tight as the scissors come close, ready to break the thin line connecting itself to him. It snaps and Simon is taken captive by that delusional man he calls a father, and they find someone – Dot, and they’re off to Magnus were Jace learns of his fate.

He’s fated to die if he touches the charged Soul Sword, and he’s prepared to do it. He’d do it if it meant the ones he loves are going to be safe, it’s him and Luke, they’re going to the Institute while Clary stays with Magnus. The place is under attack as Valentine is making his move, but the part he needs is sitting in Magnus loft so they’ve got the upper hand. Oh god, how he wished it was that simple. Why couldn’t it have just been that simple? Why did Clary have to come to the Institute, why did Magnus have to let her? Why did his heart have to break when Clary told them why?

It’s suicide, going into the place. He knows it because if he’s caught before they’re ready everyone is a dead man. He demands to see Simon; he demands to know that he is okay before he would do anything else. He can hear Clary’s voicing his demands, he can see the difference of height between him and the redhead clearly as he’s being dragged into Aldetree’s office to be greeted with his father. The new height making him look scarier then he use too, and that’s when he hears the gurgle from the seat and his eyes fall upon Simon and its shattering.

Blood was staining his shirt, flooding its way down his throat from the gush along his throat. He’s quick to grab the letter opener off of the desk, quick to gash his arm and hold it out to the vampire who was dying at his side. He holds his arm close to Simon’s mouth, asking him to drink, pleading him to do it and waiting for the fangs to pierce his skin. One more plea in the voice of Clary and that extra push of his cut arm to Simon’s lips and he feels that ecstasy run through his system. He can feel the pull of his blood being replaced by that of a heavenly feeling. It’s such a good feeling that he’s throwing his head back a little and letting a tear of pleasure fall from his eyes. He doesn’t want this feeling to stop; he doesn’t care that if he lets Simon continue to drink from him that he’d die. If Simon lived, that would be okay with him. He’d die happy knowing that Simon was going to be okay and that is a good way to die. To die at the hands of the one you love the most? It’s almost poetic wouldn’t you say.

If he makes a light whimper noise at the loss of Simon’s teeth into his skin, he’s doesn’t notice it because he’s trying to calm his breath and look at Simon. Simon is okay, but the look on his face is _fear_ and Jace knows why, because the rune has worn out and he looks like…him, his voice a little harsh as he responds to Valentine’s questions. Of course he knew what he did; he saved someone he cared about. He saved someone who has done nothing wrong in his life and has suffered like he has.

Simon tries to apologise for almost killing him, but Jace doesn’t want to hear it. **‘I could have killed you’ ‘I would have let you’** , the words ringing true because he would have, he would die if it meant Simon lived. He would die if it meant everyone he knows would live a happy life, so that’s why he puts his hand on the sword. It’s why he pulls the sword out of its place, ready to crumble to pieces with the Mortal Instrument. He didn’t put his hand on the sword to activate it and be responsible for killing good, innocent downworlders. He didn’t do it to find out that he has pure angel blood in his system, not that demon blood. No way did he do it to find out that he and Clary aren’t actually siblings, and now way did he do it to still be alive and standing outside in the sun with Simon standing in front of him. Yet, minutes ago, Simon pulled him out of his room.

“Jace, I’ve got something to show you. Clary is with Luke and I thought I should leave her with him, because… yeah, but come on,” Simon said with a beaming smile upon his face, he cleaned up – they all did. Blood no longer stained his neck and he was borrowing one of Alec’s coloured shirts, not that the man wears them.

Jace could hardly say no to that smile, so he’s letting Simon drag him through the Institute towards the front, it took his mind a few seconds to tell him that the sun was up, but before he can register the words and get them out Simon had gone outside, and he was fine when Jace took that step to follow him out. The grin on Simon’s face made Jace grin on his own because Simon was happy, Simon was out in the sun – something he’s wanted since he was turned into a vampire. So now, Jace is standing in front of Simon, a hand resting on his cheek as he drinks in the sight of the sun illuminating Simon. The sun giving Simon his own little halo and to Jace, Simon was his own little angel, so he leans in and kisses Simon it was a soft little kiss. Foreheads’ resting against each other and Jace’s voice is a little soft as he asks, “How?”

“I don’t know…I mean I have an idea, but I don’t know. I don’t really know, but I love this, I can be out in the sun again. I can make my mother less worried about me. I –” Simon stops as he feels Jace’s fingers running through his hair, it was calming and a nice way to tell him to shut up. “I’m just so happy about this.”

“I know, and that makes me happy,” Jace replies, leaning in to press another kiss to Simon’s lips, this one a little more passionate then the last, and he feels like for just this moment. For just a few seconds, minutes as he’s kissing Simon he can forget about his problems and the ones that were bound to come because right now, with Simon on his lips he feels at home and safe. Something he’s wanted forever, and now, he’s got a few seconds of it.


End file.
